Bullying, harassment, lying, fraudulent claims, empty threats? Read this

Bullying and terrorism

There's not much difference between bullies and terrorists. Terrorists attempt to kill as many people as quickly and as publicly as possible, bullies kill their victims slowly, one by one. The end result is the same ... businesses wrecked, livelihoods destroyed, lives lost, families ripped apart.

The dreadful events of Tuesday 11 September 2001 gave rise to inspirational acts of courage and heroism, followed by calls of restraint by those who had lost loved ones. Such human acts distinguish good people from the evil of those who promote terror. But whilst the terrorists have basked in the glow of America's outrage, one thing bullies and terrorists cannot handle is humor, especially in the form of satire, invective and ridicule.

This web page brings together some of the best responses to terrorism, showing the irrepressible, indomitable human spirit and the reason why terrorists will never win.

Anagram corner
Osama bin Laden
Abandon a smile
I model bananas

Tired Angels

17 September 2001

Dear Osama bin Ladan,

Please forgive me for not writing to you directly but I do not have your current address although I understand the US government has it and will shortly be paying you a visit. Although you may well not be in the land of the living when this letter reaches you and/or your associates, I want to thank you for all you have done for America.

I believe recent acts attributed to you were planned to bring the US to its knees and you have succeeded. You have brought us to our knees. In fact, people all over the US are on their knees for the first time in years. We had forgotten how to ask forgiveness for our personal and national sins - and you have reminded us and I thank you. We had forgotten to give thanks for our great country and for our great people. In fact, we had about taken prayer out of schools and out of our lives, but you have brought it back. I doubt that anyone could take it from us again. So, again, I thank you.

There is much more to thank you for. We thought that, as a nation, we were divided white from non-white, male from female, union from non-union, Democrat from Republican and the list goes on. You have reminded us that we are not divided. We are one people. You have reunited us and I thank you.

We thought our security was in our prosperity, in our military, in our government, and in our remoteness from the troubled spots of the world. We had forgotten that only God protects a nation. We had overlooked the fact that unless the Lord keeps a nation, the watchman wakes but in vain. You have reminded us and we are once again on our knees seeking the forgiveness and the protection of the God of all people.

We thought we could trust all people. We opened our doors to the world. We educated people of all nations we taught them skills including flying so that they could contribute to their native lands and bring a better life to their people. We trusted people enough to be lenient on travel and on what one could carry aboard airliners. You have reminded us that not all people can be trusted - that we must be more discriminating concerning whom we allow in our country. We can no longer assume that people board airliners for the sole purpose of travel. This new attitude will bring some inconveniences to people of good will; however, it is a small price compared to the price paid by many of our fellow Americans. We will pay this price gladly as the cost of ridding the world of you and your associates.

You have made a greater contribution to America than anyone in recent times. You have brought a greater spiritual awakening than the theologians could bring. You created a sense of unity that the politicians could not achieve. You have given us a resolve that our military leaders could not give. After all you have done for us, it is a shame that you will not be around long enough for us to properly thank you. It almost seem a pity to hunt you down and remove you and your associates from the land of the living but hunt you down and remove you we surely will.

You have asked Americans to pay a high price in lives for the lessons you have taught us. Those who died will be remembered as heroes who gave their lives to ensure future freedom for those who remain. Because of their sacrifice, we will rid the world of your type of vermin and make the entire world a safer place for peace-loving people of all nations. So, in fact, you have made a contribution to all people not just to Americans.

Osama bin Ladan Osama, the son of Ladan. We Americans consider your sonship to be associated with a species other than the human race. We have a special name for your kind, which is too obvious to require further identification. Several of your associates have gone to their final reward in the execution of their dastardly acts. You will soon follow. Sammy Boy, I can assure you that seventy virgins for eternity will not greet you and your kind in the Great Beyond. You will certainly have a much warmer reception waiting. No person who knows the true God whether Jehovah of the Jews, Allah of Islam, or Jesus Christ of the Christian - will see you in the life hereafter; therefore it is appropriate that we express our thanks now.

Again, and finally, thank you for your everlasting contribution to all humanity. We will ensure that your kind is eradicated from the face of the earth.

Sincerely,

The People of the USA

PS Don't bother scheduling an appointment for the demo, we'll just drop in.

We, the people ...

The following is a letter by a passenger on a flight to DC recently.

"I just wanted to drop you all a note and let you know that I arrived safe and sound into Dulles Airport tonight [9/15] at about 6:00. It was an interesting flight.

The airport in Denver was almost spooky, it was so empty and quiet. No-one was in line for the security check point when I got there so that went fairly quickly, just X-ray of my bags and then a chemical test to be sure nothing explosive was on them. Then I waited 2 1/2 hours to board the plane. What happened after we boarded was interesting and thought I would share it with you.

The pilot/captain came on the loudspeaker after the doors were closed. His speech went like this:

"First I want to thank you for being brave enough to fly today. The doors are now closed and we have no help from the outside for any problems that might occur inside this plane. As you could tell when you checked in, the government has made some changes to increase security in the airports. They have not, however, made any rules about what happens after those doors close. Until they do that, we have made our own rules and I want to share them with you.

Once those doors close, we only have each other. The security has taken care of a threat like guns with all of the increased scanning, etc. Then we have the supposed bomb. If you have a bomb, there is no need to tell me about it, or anyone else on this plane; you are already in control. So, for this flight, there are no bombs that exist on this plane.

Now, the threats that are left are things like plastics, wood, knives, and other weapons that can be made or things like that which can be used as weapons.

Here is our plan and our rules. If someone or several people stand up and say they are hijacking this plane, I want you all to stand up together. Then take whatever you have available to you and throw it at them. Throw it at their faces and heads so they will have to raise their hands to protect themselves.

The very best protection you have against knives are the pillows and blankets. Whoever is close to these people should then try to get a blanket over their head -- then they won't be able to see. Once that is done, get them down and keep them there. Do not let them up. I will then land the plane at the closest place and we WILL take care of them. After all, there are usually only a few of them and we are 200+ strong! We will not allow them to take over this plane.

I find it interesting that the US Constitution begins with the words "We, the people" -- that's who we are, THE people and we will not be defeated."

With that, the passengers on the plane all began to applaud, people had tears in their eyes, and we began the trip toward the runway.

The flight attendant then began the safety speech. One of the things she said is that we are all so busy and live our lives at such a fast pace. She asked that everyone turn to their neighbors on either side and introduce themselves, tell each other something about your families and children, show pictures, whatever. She said "for today, we consider you family. We will treat you as such and ask that you do the same with us."

Throughout the flight we learned that for the crew, this was their first flight since Tuesday's tragedies. It was a day that everyone leaned on each other and together everyone was stronger than any one person alone. It was quite an experience.

You can imagine the feeling when that plane touched down at Dulles and we heard "welcome to Washington Dulles Airport, where the local time is 5:40". Again, the cabin was filled with applause.

Weapons grade gators

There have been a lot of scary warnings, some of them genuine, concerning more terrorist attacks. Scary huh??!! This is the scariest though...I feel compelled to pass it along.

Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hot-dogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true.

You have been warned.

The spirit of Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close, to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missle.
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show

Miss America vs Miss Afghanistan

On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the swimsuit she chose for the competition.
On the right is a typical Afghan girl, wearing the heavy smothering burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime.

Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and cannot read or write.

Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon Health Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.

Miss America's father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.
Miss Afghanistan's father was shot by a gang of Taliban militants. Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot work or remarry.

Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, "O Mio Babbino Caro".
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening to music of any kind.

Miss America will be traveling the nation non-stop during her reign.
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family member, cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.

Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.
Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for all practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of any kind.

Miss America can date, marry or divorce anyone she chooses.
Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the company of a male outside of her family. She is likely to be sold into an arranged marriage to a man who already has two wives.

Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from burning.
Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless they are painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, her pale translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in years.

Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did not meet pageant standards.
Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh covering her face are too large.

Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants to have.
Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than Miss America. Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more likely to die in the first year. One out of four will not see their 5th birthday.

Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.

Miss America is 21. Since the US life expectancy for women is 80, she's still a very young woman.
Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy for an Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be "over-the-hill". (Besides having a shockingly short life expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one of the only countries in the world in which women have a shorter life expectancy than men)

Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone knows it.
Miss Afghanistan could be a beautiful, intelligent woman, ... but nobody will ever know it.

God Bless Miss America
God Help Miss Afghanistan

The President of the United States would like to thank all those who have offered to help in the hunt to bring Osama bin Laden to justice

From Canada...
 

From West Texas...

A violent peace

(make your own mind up on this one...)

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1) Approach naive rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation".

2) Engage in brief conversation, then ask if military force is appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

5) When he's in mid-sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6) When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Behind you ... 

The Ultimate Weapon

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna.  Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already.

And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all.

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it with or without the government's help.

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

New World Deoderant

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Friday, 16 November, 2001 
To: Cavemates 
Subject: Cave Memo

Hi guys, We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big Thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team," as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping.  Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Chuck.

Love you lots, 

Os.

A MESSAGE FOR BIN LADEN

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!

If you have any doubts about the free world's determination to root out terrorists and put an end to terrorism, play this compilation of the events of September 11. It takes a while to download but the images are haunting.

I believe I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,
and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look
at naked women we should replace all of our female flight
attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would
start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry
would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,

W Clinton

Interviewer: Do you think there's room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America?
Norman Schwartzkof: I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.

And finally...

The New World Trade Center, c. 2010