Case 061 - Community - Social life
Bullying and destruction of social life and relationships
My bully has destroyed my social life - taken away all my friends. My relationship - several times. A friend's relationship (no longer my friend). And is also trying to poison my career from the outside. Many of the serial bully traits fit him like a glove but he does not match in many crucial areas that make him very elusive and hard to spot. He almost always delivers his lies through other people. Usually women but sometimes men. He has created an 'army' of accomplices. Each one presumably believing the others lies about me. He has used his own ex-girlfriends to tell lies about me and thus give a great deal of credibility to the story. It is being heard from independent sources. He encourages people who are outraged by something I may have said or done (so they think) to lie about me thus bringing them in to his fold.
He doesn't seem to have any goal other than to destroy me entirely. Even though I know - due to various comments he has made to me throughout the period - he is doing this I don't have any proof and I have been consistently painted as crazy or imagining things. In the early days he had a habit of making comments I didn't really understand - until it was too late. By then no one would believe me! He comes across as such a nice, charming, likable guy. I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has been through or is going through something similar.
My story of bullying goes back about 3 years that I know of. I'm fairly sure it actually goes back much further but to a lesser degree. I think my bully only turned to target me properly after I discovered he had told a lie. About 3 years ago a female friend of mine told me that another mutual friend had blanked her at a party and would not speak to her. Shortly afterwards my 'bully' told me that this female friend had said something to him about this mutual male friend. I knew from having recently spoken to her about a particular situation that if she had really said that, then she would have to be lying! Now I've known her a long, long time and I just knew she would not have said that thing. So I said to my 'bully to be' that I just didn't believe that she could have said it.
At this point he got very angry very quickly. His face turned quite frightening and he forcefully said "Look she said it right?" quite threateningly. I reaffirmed that I just didn't believe it. Later I went to see this her and related what she was supposed to have said. She said that she hadn't said anything of the sort but was sure that my bully had just got it wrong. At the time I accepted the possibility he had just got it wrong but I rather suspected otherwise. The comment incidentally damaged the relationship between her and the mutual male friend. I didn't think much else of it - I'm a naturally trusting type and naturally give the benefit of the doubt.
It is only in retrospect that I see that moment as the pivotal point where my life started to be methodically destroyed. The trouble is that even at the time whilst various things seemed to be going wrong for no good reason I didn't really take in what was really happening until way to late - nine months or so afterwards. You see when stories and lies are spread behind your back they usually don't come back to you. My bully is particularly careful and gains peoples trust before turning them. He is very good at seducing women. One of the reasons he has been so successful is that he rarely delivers lies himself. He usually works through women and gets them to do the lying for him. I was a member of a club and had many friends there. My bully got involved with one of the girls there. Someone well respected and liked an quite central to the the social makeup of the group. Then a series of things happened.
Not all at once but first a friend of mine from the group started treating me and his girlfriend like dirt. A month or so later they split up. A month or so later still my friends (ex)girlfriend - also my friend, was at my girlfriends house when I turned up one evening. I hadn't seen her for a while and we chatted a little but she seemed strange, angry for some reason. She left quite quickly and afterwards I asked my girlfriend what she came round for ant what they had talked about - because the situation seemed so strange but my girlfriend just said 'nothing in particular'.
That night though our relationship which had been going particularly well up to that point took a turn for the worst. Eventually she left me and I was totally devastated. I didn't see her for a couple of months after that and in the meanwhile it was very apparent that no one from my core friend at the club wanted to know me. A lot of my other friends outside that group were lead to have very bad opinions of me also from my ex-girlfriend. She then over the coming months began to torment me. By feigning interest and then suddenly loosing interest. Usually with a few odd comments thrown in that I knew were important but didn't fully understand. Now I know they were references to things I was supposed to have done or said. After that we did get back together for about 2 weeks. She had become good friends with my bully at this point and at the time I knew he was working against our getting back together.
Again after a couple of weeks she 'dropped' me - quite coldly. At this point I 'dropped' my bully from my life. Letting him know I wanted nothing to do with him. Things got better for a short time. Eventually I got back together again with my girl friend again. The fact is we both loved one another but there were too many hidden waters under the bridge by now. She was actively working against me trying to find out about what had gone on with both her and the people from the club. She maintained that she did not have any contact with my bully or people from the club but all the evidence pointed that she did indeed keep contact with the guy who split up with his girlfriend (which I it seems got the blame for) and I was told by a close friend that she regularly talked to my bully. This, after 6 months, destroyed our relationship again! I just had to leave her. I was devastated. She was devastated.
Since then my bully has destroyed more friends than I knew I didn't have. So he has destroyed my social live and my relationship quite successfully. Now on to my career! Similar things have been happening at work to the things that happened at the club. People suddenly being cold towards me. Comments being made that I can only understand if I assume that I am supposed to have said something derogatory about the person. But I most certainly have not. I now think that my bully has got to know someone at my workplace. Perhaps a girl or perhaps not. I have suffered untold stress over the last few years and losing my career will leave me with a few close friends and nothing else. I don't know how much more I can go through.